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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 12:32 pm (no subject)
It is 1:52 am and you are eating candy from your stash despite the fact that you have already brushed your teeth for the evening. It does not matter that food before bed is your biggest pet peeve because the way things are going you won't be sleeping for a long, long time. Whether or not residual sugars will be eating away at your tooth enamel all night seems to be the absolute least of your worries. Your hand dives into the bag like a desperate flailing animal and emerges full of calories ready to be packed onto your steadily bulging figure. You gobble them up as though doing so guarantees the peace of mind you've been without all this time.

What does your appearance matter if no one is looking?
It's probably untrue to say that NO ONE is looking; but the thing is that HE isn't, and you should know. You haven't spent a moment in public NOT looking for him since the morning you woke up and realized that even though the night before you had both agreed things were over between you, they never really would be.

It's amazing that you haven't run into each other. The town is only so big, and you know all of his favorite places. Not that you would wait for him there. You can't bring yourself to drive through his neighborhood or seek out any of his friends. Even the fact that those things came to mind brings on a wave of self-loathing; are you that pathetic?
No, but you keep looking. You don't have the courage to face the awkwardness of calling him but you've convinced yourself that if you saw each other in public you could magically pick up where you left off and be happy again. So you're looking for him. You're looking so hard that it distracts you from other things. You almost crash your car every time you think you see his, you forget an entire aisle of groceries when a similar looking man walks by, you whip around so fast that you trip yourself when you smell his cologne in the air.

You know it's not good for you and you try to get him out of your mind but it's impossible. Your song comes on the radio, movies you watched together are on TV, things you discussed at length come up in conversation, and worst of all people ask about him and you don't know how to answer because you haven't even come up with answers to your own questions about him.

It's never over.
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